i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
