What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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