No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
