The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
