shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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