My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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