ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
