Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
