you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
