Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
