Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
