Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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