I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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