My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
