Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
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