I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
