so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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