is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
