paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Randomize
