Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
