it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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