Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
