I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
