you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
