Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
