Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
