How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
