I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize