someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
