stop calling my apartment porn island.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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