come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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