I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
ugly people sure do ruin things
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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