I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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