I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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