they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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