You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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