I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
