my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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