Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I am full of burrito and curiosity
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize