things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
