My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize