and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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