yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
