He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
