I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Terrible idea I love it
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
