Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Randomize
