I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize