You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
