Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
