my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize