Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
