Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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