I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
