I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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