I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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