Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
