walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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