no, he came in my armpit
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
