Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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