Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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