At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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