just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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